Blue Card Jokes
The complete collection of one-liner jokes read from the iconic blue cards on Norm Macdonald Live.
We all know that the Swiss are officially neutral. Unofficially, however, they're filthy sons of bitches.
Remember the old days when 'tweeting' meant stabbing a hooker?
Why is there an app for everything, except how to rape a baby?
Some gold-plated chains would make a nice retirement gift for a very, very good slave.
I can prove God exists! If I could just find that damn receipt from our brunch in heaven...
We could nip 'March Madness' in the bud if we watch for the warning signs of 'Brooding Anti-social February Fever'
This Lindsay Lohan can't swim a stroke but she sure knows every dive in town.
Call me an old softie, but I'd prefer if you call me a distinguished gentleman with a flagging erection.
I remember back when the 'Harlem Shake' was just a black fella holding me upside down off of a fire escape trying to collect his money!
Sure junkyard dogs are mean, but the meanest dogs are generally found guarding concentration camps.
Note: Early versions of Jim Croce's 1973 smash hit 'Big Bad Leeroy Brown' included the line "meaner than a concentration camp dog" but Croce decided it was unpleasant to the ear.
And it was also offensive to Jews, gypsies and homosexuals. Little did it matter, Croce would be dead within the year.
Deep Throat' porn legend Harry Reems died.
How are they going to close that casket?!
Alfred the Great may well be the greatest monarch in the history of England.
The worst?
Richard the Goat Fucker!
Hank Williams Jr. called President Obama a Muslim who "hates the US"
In response, President Obama said, "Why would I hate the US? You guys made me President and I wasn't even born here!"
This Easter Sunday, Snoop Dogg gets to say "Christ is Rizzisen"
We wear new clothes on Easter to represent Christ's triumphant appearance to the stunned Apostles in a sharp 2-button blazer by Hugo Boss.
The guy who did the voice of Charlie Brown was arrested for stalking his girlfriend this week.
He also said the next time Lucy grabs away the football, he's going to "cut that bitch".
President Obama continues to shamelessly wage class warfare.
Today he announced a steep new tax on shiny top hats.
Some folks say what this country needs is a good five cent cigar. I'm guessing they're opposing Obamacare.
I don't know if this counts as an NCAA Cinderella story, but one of the marquette players said he had help making his uniform from a bunch of singing mice and birds.
I read a story about a 17 year old kid who stole a plane, crashed it, and survived.
Why don't we make the whole plane out of that kid?
Warning to the Easter bunny: Don't put all your eggs in one basket, fella!
They say the world's a smaller place than it used to be, but I think that's an optical illusion, based on me becoming a big fat guy.
Growing up, I never would have believed that one day I'd need a computer just to masturbate.
Jon Hamm has a big dick. I could have told you that, but I don't suck and tell!
Swedish Bond girl Britt Ekland told Piers Morgan this week that she was seduced by Warren Beatty after the legendary lothario took her to an X-rated movie for their first date.
This is what I have to say about that: "Hey Warren, stop stealing my moves!"
Thomas Edison invented the lightbulb, but I invented the lightbulb up my ass.
Octomom is facing jail time for committing welfare fraud. Who didn't see that one coming. I mean seriously, a single mother of eight!
I am not a big fan of videogames where you cannot kill a prostitute.
The thing I miss most about the 70's is rolling a number and giving my old lady some head.
Celebrating April 1st birthdays, Russian pianist Sergei Rachmaninoff, who was born on this day in 1872, rapper Method Man is 41, Debbie Reynolds turns 80 today, Rachel Maddow is 39, and former German Chancellor Helmut Schmidt would have been 95 today.
April Fools! Former German Chancellor Helmut Schmidt is alive and well!
I love Lou Gehrig, but I'm not going to stand up in front of a million people and brag that I'm the luckiest man in the world because some doctors named a disease after me.
Confidence is one thing, but arrogance is the worst disease of them all.
One day in the hopefully not-too-distant future, North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un is going to hear a loud popping sound. The sound of his head coming out of his own ass!
A Miami Florida pimp is in custody after forcing a 13 year old prostitute to have his name tattooed on her eyelids when she threatened to run away from him. Roman Thomas III faces charges of human trafficking, false imprisonment, lewd and lascivious exhibition, and delivery of a controlled substance to a child. Y'know, I know the scriptures say "judge not lest ye be judged" but I'm just going to come right out and say it. This 'Roman Thomas III guy'... this guy's a real jerk!
I used to think revenge was a dish best served cold, but then I realized it meant 'getting back at somebody'.
Hey, news media, leave Kim Kardashian alone, will you? She's pregnant! Of course she's going to gain weight, and if anyone knows about rapid weight gain it's me. I went to see the doctor about it and he told me to open my mouth and say OINK!
I think enough time has passed since 1947 where I can safely admit it.
I wish I was the guy that finally wiped the annoying smirk off the Black Dahlia's face.
Music is the universal language, but one day soon it will be replaced by Chinese.
I feel the same way about slaves as I do about shirts with flame patterns on them. I don't want to be friends with anyone who owns either of them.
Mickey Mantle knew two things, drinking, and playing drunk baseball.
Why doesn't Applebee's call their appetizers appletizers? And why doesn't that waitress I met at TGI Fridays ever call me back?
This administration is cutting back drastically on military spending but doesn't think defense capabilities will be compromised? How so? I'll tell you how so! Groupons!
Remember Groupons?
A worldwide scientific study confirms a long held suspicion; no one anywhere likes drum circles.
Justin Bieber's monkey has been quarantined, which reminds us how far we've come since headlines about Pearl Harbor and D-Day.
In the coffee shop line today I hear the guy behind me say "I like to start by biting the ears off" and I had to pray "Please God, let him be talking about a chocolate Easter bunny!"
Earlier this week Aaron Jackson of Topeka, Kansas painted his house the colors of the gay pride rainbow flag in direct protest of the Westboro Baptist Church. When that didn't seem to work, Jackson fucked three of his best buds on his front lawn.
Chipotle has cancelled its planned sponsorship of the Utah Boy Scout event due to the BSA's ban on gay leaders and scouts. Ironic how an all male anti-gay organization would want to put hot thick loads of beef and sour cream in their mouth.
Former Tennessee Titans cheerleader Elizabeth Leigh Garner, 42 is accused of pulling a 12 year old boy pants off and offering him oral sex. The boy refused her advances, not because he was 12 but because he was a diehard Colts fan.
Albert Fish was born May 19th in New York City in 1870. He was known as 'The Gray Man' and 'The Werewolf of Wisteria'. He was a serial killer who slayed children and ate them. When police asked a woman to describe him she said he was "gray in both appearance and demeanour". The child rapist and cannibal Fish boasted that he had children in every state. He only chose victims who were either mentally handicapped or African American. Fish tortured, mutilated and murdered the youngsters with a meat cleaver, a butcher's knife and a small handsaw, solidifying his reputation as the most vicious child slayer in criminal history. Though barely literate, Fish wrote taunting letters to the parents of his victims gruesomely detailing how he slayed, butchered, cooked and then with great enjoyment dined on their offspring. He would inevitably declare that a child's roasted rump was the most toothsome dish in all gastronomy. Additionally, Fish was a masochist and would insert wool doused with lighter fluid into his own anus and set it alight for his own enjoyment. Fish was finally arrested and he immediately began confessing to killing 700 children. He was dizzyingly happy, smiling as he described the grisly details of the tortures and the murders appearing to the detectives 'as the devil himself'... I mean this guy was a real jerk!
The obituaries are concerning me because people are dying in alphabetical order.
Former pornstar Jenna Jameson was arrested this weekend after allegedly assaulting someone. This may be the most damaging thing to happen to her image since her 16 year career in pornography.
Why did the moron throw the clock out the window?
Because it reminded him of Richard Clock - the man convicted of knife-raping his wife.
Veterinarians in Colorado have reported that marijuana use is on the rise among dogs. They say you will know if your dog is too high if it starts making a really tall sandwich.
My doctor told me I should start juicing. The problem is I don't think he meant ham juice.
I'm so fat that when I get my shoes shined I have to take the bootblack's word for it!
Porn actor Ron Jeremy is back at work after having open-heart surgery. The name of his next feature is called 'I'm Going to Have to Sit Down for Most of This'
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening.
Love like you've never been hurt.
And fuck like a goddamn retard.
How many Polish guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb.
The question can not be answered because Polish people are so fucking stupid that no matter how many of them are available none of them would ever be able to complete that simple task.
How many comedians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to do it, and the other to go "How long's he been up there?"
My brother-in-law is so stupid, he came up with a bucket list.
Know what the first thing on his bucket list was? Committing suicide.
Have you heard about the four NFL players that are coming out of the closet? It's about time I think. I think it's high time. Because isn't it strange that nobody's come out of closet in the entire sport of football? Where there's 2000+ players? So there's a great deal of speculation on who those four openly gay players will be. Nobody knows.
My guess is it's those four that are always sucking each others cocks.
Because of droughts all over Europe, scientists are predicting a global shortage of olive oil.
Soon the world will know how Popeye felt after the death of his wife.
It takes forever to get a pilot's license, but it only takes a couple of minutes to steal a pilot's jacket and hat.
Barbara Walters is planning to announce her retirement, what's next for Babs?
Death.
I think there's nothing cooler than being a lone wolf. Except at wolf-picnics when you don't have a partner for the wolf-wheelbarrow races.
The Octomom has reportedly been evicted from her California home. The mother of 14 children packed up and left her property in Palmdale after being asked to leave for not paying her rent for the month of April. The single parent whose real name is Nadya Suleman exited leaving a huge mess and the stench of urine inside the pad. Wait, it says here the urine has been traced back to Adam Eget.
Call me crazy, but I take orders from Martians who send secret messages beamed out from the antenna at the top of the Empire State Building.
A Georgia high school is planning to merge their formerly all black and all white proms into a single event. The theme of this June's dance? 'An Evening of Unbridled Race War'
A Florida man was arrested for stealing a truck filled with $76,000 worth of Campbell's soup.
I, for one, hope this guy goes away for 'Mmm, mmm, good!'
My girlfriend and I have a deal where we have one celebrity that we can sleep with and it's not considered cheating. Mine is that woman who plays Madea.
In Kansas, a gay-rights activist named Aaron Jackson paid $83,000 to buy a house across from the homophobic Westboro Baptist Church and had it painted rainbow colours. Mr. Jackson plans to recoup his investment by... well, actually there's no plan. Have fun living in a hideous house in Kansas across from some vicious bigots!
Its Earth Day!
The one day of the year where you can jerk off outside and nothing bad can happen!
(I don't know what Earth Day is)
A new study shows that most men can identify a gay man by his face alone.
It's the face that's buried in another man's asshole.
Scientists now say that trout can communicate with each other with subtle physical gestures.
Wow. Just when you thought trout couldn't get any more fascinating.
Mondays aren't actually worse than any other day according to a group of researchers who've never read a Garfield comic.
Archaeologists excavating a trash pit at the Jamestown Colony site in Virginia have found direct evidence of human cannibalism. It's believed to be the first historical occurence of someone eating a bag of dicks.
Two women accused of using sorcery have been beheaded in a remote village in Papua New Guinea. A team of police rushed to the scene but were forced to stand by and watch the victims being decapitated by axes as locals refused to let them come to their aid. If you ever go to a remote village in Papua New Guinea, at all costs avoid using sorcery!
A Las Vegas woman was arrested after hiding a stolen Rolex in her vagina. Wow, now Bruce Jenner's just gone too far.
Bill Clinton says he wouldn't be surprised if some day we are visited by aliens from outer space.
Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton said: "Shouldn't you be getting a blowjob somewhere?"
Las Vegas is now home to a 550ft tall ferris wheel.
Also drawing thousands to Las Vegas?
Whores!
Health officials in Texas raided the home of 60 year old sisters and found over 100 cats. The cats are named Bootsy, Lola, Tippy, Cornelia, Fluffy, Minerva, Ringo, Jasper, Charlie, Spanky, Snooks, Doodle, Wally Happy-pants, Zeke, Veronica, Dolly, Clyde, Ajax, Rusty, Puff-ball, Snuffy, Sylvia, Mr. Moody, Leonardo, Zeke, Tawana, Evinrude, Nimrod, Sylvester, Skee-ball, Toots, Jupiter, Lady Agatha, Murgatroyd, Lula-belle, Newton, Felix, Smurfette...
The street drug 'Special K' has been found to be an excellent treatment for depression. This according to the New England Journal of Gary Busey.
Albert Fish was born May 19th in New York City in 1870. He was known as 'The Gray Man' and 'The Werewolf of Wisteria'. He was a serial killer who slayed children and ate them. When police asked a woman to describe him she said he was "gray in both appearance and demeanour". The child rapist and cannibal Fish boasted that he had children in every state. He only chose victims who were either mentally handicapped or African American. Fish tortured, mutilated and murdered the youngsters with a meat cleaver, a butcher's knife and a small handsaw, solidifying his reputation as the most vicious child slayer in criminal history. Though barely literate, Fish wrote taunting letters to the parents of his victims gruesomely detailing how he slayed, butchered, cooked and then with great enjoyment dined on their offspring. He would inevitably declare that a child's roasted rump was the most toothsome dish in all gastronomy. Additionally, Fish was a masochist and would insert wool doused with lighter fluid into his own anus and set it alight for his own enjoyment. Fish was finally arrested and he immediately began confessing to killing 700 children. He was dizzyingly happy, smiling as he described the grisly details of the tortures and the murders appearing to the detectives 'as the devil himself'... I mean this guy was a real jerk!
When I was a child my parents told me my uncle was 'sleeping with the fishes' which at the time I assumed meant that he bought a waterbed... but then I found out he had been killed and his body buried at sea.
My father was recently diagnosed with shingles which is a terrible sickness that usually only affects roofs.
Hotel Rwanda has a great score on Rotten Tomatoes but their Yelp reviews are terrible.
Growing up I had a dog with an eating disorder, he wouldn't eat my homework.
I want to take this moment to endorse podiums.
Now, that's a product I can stand behind!
I don't understand why LA is struggling to provide better public transportation when my neighbour Rich offers free moustache rides every night.
A young Zika mosquito went out flying for the first time, when he came back his father asked 'How was it?' The young mosquito replied 'Great, everyone was clapping for me!'
Do you know what Adam Eget has in common with a guitar player? They both like fingering minors.
Hillary has the support of the Orlando terrorist's Dad, Trump has the support of white supremacist groups. I can't decide who I support until the Zika virus weighs in.
Playboy magazine has done away with the nude photo layouts altogether.
In other words they've eliminated ladies in the altogether altogether!
How come the term 'adult toy' always refers to something you can shove up your asshole and never like a big racecar?
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread eagle and fucked, fucked hard like a fuckin' real tramp...
They announced there's going to be another Twilight movie and the little girl inside me is really excited.
I made a bad business decision, started an online business, you know what I sold?
Brick & Mortar.
I may not have book smarts, but you know what I do have?
Supermarket flyer smarts!
A new study shows that 37% of people talk to their car.
It's the first study ever conducted by The International Organisation of David Hasselhoff.
How do you get a tissue to dance?
You put a little boogie in it.
Roses are gray,
Violets are gray,
Tulips are gray,
Because I'm a dog.
I wear my hair in a man-bun to compensate for my tiny man-hotdog wiener.
Did you know every planet in our solar system is named after a god?
Except Earth which is named after that stuff on the ground.
Every day I try to expand my vocabulary by using new words to give my arguments more verisimilitude.
Today's word is 'expand'.
My father urged me to pursue my passion, that's why I'm here.
I had to go into showbiz to make back all the money I lost marketing and designing neckerchiefs.
Call me old fashioned, but I long for the days when wives stayed at home and only cost three goats.